Last Resort
by Sabine Grey
Summary: Small changes cause the end of New Moon to veer off course. Edward/Bella.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Last Resort

Chapter:1

Author: Sabine Grey

Rating: Teen

Genre: Edward/Bella, Angst, Romance

Spoilers: Follows New Moon up to the middle of Chapter 18, so most of New Moon.

Summary: Small changes cause the end of New Moon to veer off course.

Disclaimer:The characters and events taken from her books most definitely belong to Stephenie Meyer, not me. I'm just having a little fun with them.

--

I stood in the hallway of my house while time stopped. My best friend was leaning down to kiss me and I didn't think I was going to stop him. Although the first time I had seriously considered letting this happen was the day before, I knew that it had been on my mind for weeks, maybe months. Jacob was my Paris. I knew he was the only one who had any shot at helping me remake my life in the wake of my Romeo's destruction. But I had come to that conclusion yesterday. It didn't make the decision to let him kiss me a foregone conclusion.

After all, there was Jake to consider.

Of course, I had thought of Edward first, especially when his gorgeous voice echoed through my head, telling me to be happy. I knew that the hallucination, as false as it may be, spoke the truth. The real Edward did want me to be happy. While he couldn't love me anymore, he didn't want my life to be a misery. He wanted me to stay safe. Jake could keep me safe and, more than anyone else, save one, he could help me be happy.

But what about Jake?

That was the thought that kept nagging at me, over and over again throughout the day and night. He deserved more than to be loved as second best. Even if he would settle for it, he deserved more. And if I loved him, really loved him, wouldn't I want him to be loved in return as fiercely as he gave his love?

Yes. Of course I wanted that.

But I was weak, and he was persistent. The smell of him as he leaned in – he was so close now - made it very hard to think about right and wrong. I could give myself over to this. I really could.

Further complicating matters, as if that were even necessary, was the knowledge that Jake had not imprinted on me. Most of the time, I was grateful for that as I'd always assumed that it would increase my guilt exponentially. I did not believe that even the force of imprinting could impact my love for Edward. So if Jake had imprinted on me, I would have to deal with the fact that his life was ruined as well as my own. During my Paris epiphany while Jake slept yesterday, though, I had entertained the appealing notion that, if Jake had imprinted on me, its gravitational pull would have blown any other feelings I'd ever had away. It was a heartbreakingly wonderful what-if. In that alternate reality, Jacob and I would both truly be happy, together.

But Jake had not imprinted on me. And one day, he would. Could I do this again? Could I deal with the rejection that would translate into? I didn't think it could possibly be as bad as losing what I'd already lost, but who would be the one to help rebuild when it was Jacob who turned away from me? No, this was a terrible idea. My rational mind had known that.

But where was my rational mind now, as he leaned in to change our relationship forever?

These seemingly endless machinations halted jarringly when his lips touched mine. No more decisions to make, we had come to the point of no return.

It was better than I had expected. Warm and soft, totally unlike the last set of lips I'd kissed. When I thought of kisses, they were cold and hard. That was the way I liked them. So while the warmth and softness was expected, liking it so much wasn't. I felt his breath circling inside my mouth and blanketing down my spine. All my senses were telling me that here was an opportunity for life, for passion. My hands came up to his jaw and I drew him further into me. He pressed his body closer to mine and I gasped into his barely open mouth. I drew away reluctantly to look into his eyes, to cement our connection before finding his lips again. His beautiful brown eyes looked down on me, full of joy and fulfillment.

And then my chest exploded. Pain radiated out of a hole twice the size as any predecessor had ever been. My legs buckled and, in a split second, I was on my hands and knees, gasping for air, clutching at my chest, squeezing my eyes against the vision of butterscotch eyes that I had somehow expected to see in place of Jacob's. I knew it was Jacob the whole time. How could this have happened? What rogue part of me thought it would be _him_ instead?

"Bella!" Jake was on his knees beside me, his usually comforting hand resting useless on my back. "Are you OK? I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I don't understand...Bells, please say something!"

"I can't...so sorry. Jake, so sorry..." I panted, finally pulling my head into my knees, rolling into a ball in an attempt to prevent my insides from spilling out. _Please_, I thought, _let me die_. _I can't take this anymore_.

Jacob carefully and quietly brought me to the couch. He knew better than to push right then, that the best he could do was hold me while I cried great racking sobs. I cried for the life we couldn't have together. I cried at the utter despair I felt, knowing that whatever happiness I might find could be destroyed in an instant by memories of a love that had wound themselves through every cell in my body, like a cancer. Now that the love was gone, the memories were malignant, searing, relentless.

When I had calmed into silence and taken my last breaths of the musky skin on Jacob's neck, I sat back on my heels next to him, looking down at my hands. I looked up at his concerned and confused face, knowing absolutely what I had to do. I smiled through a tear-streaked face, and ran my hands through his hair, from his forehead, across the crown and down the back of his neck, where they stayed.

"You have been the very best friend I could have asked for."

"Bella, stop..."

"Jake, you have to listen to me now. " I said resolutely. He looked like he didn't recognize me for a second and then closed his mouth, waiting.

I started again. "I wanted this for us, I wanted to try. How could I not?" I smiled broader, thinking of him – his light and his happiness. In spite of himself, he smiled back.

"And it was wonderful, unlike anything I've ever felt." I thought his face might split open if he grinned any wider. I took a deep breath.

"But I know now, I really _know_," I tried to infuse the word with the certainty that now permeated my bones, "that I can't love you in that way, that I can't love anyone in that way. Not anymore."

The temporary seals on my eyes broke apart as I said this, and tears rushed down my face. I was more grief-stricken than ever, but I needed him to be sure of what I said. I fought hard to keep my voice under control.

"You don't know that." he said belligerently, "You can't tell that from one kiss. It will get easier. I can be patient. You love me, Bella. I know you do. We have to try. We _have_ to."

"I can tell from one kiss." I said sadly and my hands dropped away from his neck and rested across my chest. I looked at him meaningfully. Jacob, who watched me so carefully, would know what this meant.

"It hurts now, I get it. But you still don't have me convinced that it will always hurt. We can make something new together."

He wasn't going to let this be about me, about what I knew with absolute certainty. So I reluctantly turned to something I knew he couldn't refute. I didn't want to make it about him, but it was for him that I did.

"And what happens when you imprint, Jake? Let's say I give this a shot, against every self preservation instinct I have. What happens when you imprint?"

He stared at me, lost for words. When he spoke, his voice lacked conviction and I knew I had won. It didn't feel like a victory.

"Maybe I won't imprint. Maybe I will imprint on you eventually."

"You know from the legends that it doesn't work that way. It will happen eventually, and it will be the first time you see her." All of a sudden, I was jealous of this girl, this woman, who would have the future denied to me. It was surprising.

"It won't happen if I never see her."

I actually laughed, an absurd laugh, at this notion of Jake and me living as hermits in some cave in the cliffs.

"We can't shut the outside world out. You know all it would take is a visiting cousin, a visiting friend." Leah's face flashed in my mind. "Be reasonable, Jake. You know it's true."

His head dropped and I could see resignation in the slump of his shoulders. His rapid acceptance told me that he had been trying to deny this for some time. I felt so very sad for my friend just then. Desperately in love with a woman he knew he wasn't meant for. I hoped the one he was meant for would find him soon.

We wrapped our arms around each other and shed tears of grief and loss. This was our goodbye, at least for a little while. Maybe someday, after he'd imprinted, we could find each other again and re-establish our friendship, the friendship that had saved my life in more ways than one. My hold on him tightened as I wished for it greedily. Gradually my mind turned away from that future while I tried to memorize these moments, in case they were all we had left.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Last Resort

Chapter:2

Author: Sabine Grey

Rating: Teen

Genre: Edward/Bella, Angst, Romance

Spoilers: Follows New Moon up to Chapter 18, so most of New Moon.

Summary: Small changes cause the end of New Moon to veer off course.

Disclaimer:The characters and events taken from her books most definitely belong to Stephenie Meyer, not me. I'm just having a little fun with them.

--

Jacob had to leave long before I was ready to say goodbye. He had been on his way to Harry's funeral and Jared and Embry were waiting in the car. I hoped they either wouldn't notice that he'd been crying, or wouldn't hassle him about it. I stood with my back against the closed front door for a long time, trying to compose myself for Alice's return. I couldn't explain what had just happened, not even to her. _Especially_ not to her. It just happened to be in that forbidden area for us, despite how much I loved her.

I hoped she would stay a few more days. She had kept the nightmares at bay last night and I knew that they would be sharper and more acute now. The pain in my chest still made it difficult to breathe. I wondered detachedly how long it would take to subside into that dull ache that it had been before Jacob. I wondered if I was only still functional because I knew that Alice was here and Charlie needed me.

I was determined that Charlie wouldn't have to deal with the loss of his friend and the re-zombification of his daughter. Not this time. Now that I knew how terribly I had pulled off "normal", I would do a better job this time. Angela was pretty easy to hang around with and I could use the excuse that I was applying to colleges to explain long hours spent in my bedroom. And there was always the hallucination to help get me through rough days. I had more tools at my disposal this time. I wouldn't become a zombie again. At the very least, I could stave it off long enough to move out.

The phone rang, interrupting my internal strategizing. I walked over to it and picked the receiver up. "Hello?"

No one answered my greeting. I repeated myself to the dead air, wondering if it was just a bad connection. Still, the only sound on the line was white noise.

"Is someone there?" The only answer I got was a click and a dial tone. Nice. They could have at least said "Wrong number" before they hung up. I returned the receiver to the cradle and decided to get back to cleaning the house. If I was going to act like nothing happened, it had to start now.

When Alice returned, she took one look at my face and enveloped me in a hug.

"It will be OK, Bella." She didn't sound convinced.

"I know." Neither did I.

"You know, I can leave whenever you want. Maybe things would be less complicated if I wasn't here", she whispered into my hair. I hugged her closer in response.

When we parted, I noticed that she looked wrong somehow; as though she were...tired.

"Alice, are _you_ OK? You don't look so good."

"Yes, I'm fine. Just lots of...activity in my visions this afternoon."

"Is everyone alright?", I asked, worried now.

"Yes, everything worked itself out. " But the expression on her face was odd...guilty, that was what it was. My heart caught in my throat. Only the subject of one particular person made Alice act shifty around me. Before I could fly into a full panic, though, her words came back to me: _everything worked itself out_.

As long as he was alright, I didn't need to know any more. I couldn't take hearing about his new life, his distractions. Thankfully, I didn't have to hear about them either to know he was safe. Alice was watching over him always.

We picked up where we had left off before Jake came by, and I actually found myself getting lost in conversation with her. The house hadn't looked so good in months, and the sense of accomplishment on top of Alice's presence helped me put a genuine smile on my face when Charlie got home.

My father looked tired and sad as he crossed through the front door. I put my arms around his waist and he rested his cheek on the top of my head.

"Hey, Bells." His voice was rough and thick with fatigue and grief. I'd never heard him sound like this.

"Hi, Dad." I said, and then, after hearing Alice set the table in the kitchen. "Are you hungry?"

"Not really, honey. I think I'd just like to head up to bed." He pushed me away from him and looked into my face. "You doing alright, Bells? I saw Jake at the funeral and he looked even worse than he did yesterday." No doubt he'd also noticed my still slightly red eyes.

"Yeah, I'm OK. It's just, there's a lot going on, you know?"

"Yeah, I know. 'Night, honey." He kissed the top of my head and trudged upstairs heavily.

--

Alice and I spent the next several days together. I even let her take me shopping. It was getting harder to avoid talking about Edward and as our conversation dried up, my panic that she would be leaving soon increased.

I had been right about the nightmares. Alice's presence had transformed them into a strange dream that resembled the nightmares but lacked their more terrifying aspects. I was still wandering the forest. But instead of an aimless search, Alice's hand was in mine and she was leading me somewhere. The fact that we never got there didn't bother me. It was enough that she seemed to know where we were headed.

One day, while I was cooking dinner for Charlie and I, Alice broke the companionable silence that had become more routine lately.

"It's time for me to go, Bella."

My head snapped up and I dropped the spoon I was stirring the spaghetti sauce with.

"Not yet, Alice. Please?" She hopped down from the counter and rested her arm across my shoulder.

"Don't worry. It will be different this time. I'll be back soon." She inclined her head towards me and I did the same, until our foreheads touched in a strange little embrace. I knew she was telling the truth.

"Won't _he_ be mad?"

"_He_ doesn't have to know."

"Alice, you can't recite poetry in your head every time you're around him. He'll know we're in contact."

She sighed, as she did whenever she was about to say something she thought might upset me. "I haven't seen him since we left Forks. My only contact with him is by phone, and it doesn't work long distance like that, not even with me."

I tried to hide my shock. I knew that he had been traveling, but I didn't know that Alice and he had been so estranged.

"Believe me, it's not by choice. But I may as well take advantage of it. If he comes home, I'll figure something out. The digits of Pi are usually a good choice." She laughed her musical laugh and I couldn't help but smile, even though we had just been talking about our main forbidden subject.

"When are you leaving?" I said, proud of how nonchalant I could make my voice phrase the question.

"Tomorrow morning." My face fell and she wrapped her other arm around me in a reassuring hug. I followed suit, the spaghetti sauce bubbling away furiously.

"I miss Jasper, Bella." she said into my hair. "And I need to talk with Carlisle and Esme. I promise I will see you again soon. And I'll be checking up on you from afar too. I know what it feels like to be too late to save you, and I'm not willing to let it happen again. Edward has made his choice, but it doesn't have to be mine."

_Edward has made his choice._ The words hit me square in the stomach, knocking the wind out of me. I knew she needed to say it, to make sure that her renewed friendship wasn't giving me false hope. As much as I didn't blame her for saying it, I wished she hadn't. No one knew better than me how final his goodbye had been. His last words to me, cruel and terrible, were never very far from recall.

She had pulled out of our hug and, seeing my aghast expression, quickly changed the subject. She peered at the bubbling red sauce in the saucepan and said dubiously, "So this tastes good?"

She was getting better at making me laugh. I was going to miss her, even if it was a temporary absence.

We kept up the light conversation and Charlie came home to dinner a short while later. Alice didn't mention her departure, probably to avoid depressing the mood in the room again. We stayed up late watching horror movies, and then I drifted off into sleep on the couch.

--

When I woke up, I knew she was gone. I knew it from the way the hole in my chest throbbed like it was brand new. I stumbled upstairs and into the bathroom, throwing open the lid to the toilet at the very last moment before the retching started. I was almost finished when I heard a knock at the door.

"You sick, Bells?"

"Just a little stomach thing, Dad. Probably the spaghetti last night." I called back from the bathroom sink, in between splashes of warm water on my face.

I stared into the mirror sternly, giving myself a silent scolding. _Alice will be back. My connection to him isn't lost completely. Things will be better this time_.

The pain was easing up, so I scrutinized my face for any sign of the zombie. No sign of her yet. Maybe it really would be better this time. I opened the door to see Charlie still standing there with a concerned expression on his face.

"I feel better now, Dad."

"Good. I was worried you were upset because Alice had to go. Did you see the note she left you?"

"No, not yet. I got sick before I could see it. Plus, she told me last night that she had to get back home for a bit. She'll be back soon." I said, in a sort of breezy voice that surprised even me.

"Yeah, that's what the note said. I'm glad you two are friends again." The words said _glad_, but that's not what I heard in his cautious tone.

I wanted to say, _It's OK, Dad, he's not coming back_. But I thought I wasn't quite ready to put that topic out in the open.

"Me too. It was a good couple of days for me." I smiled and then said, "Time to get ready for school, I think. You need the bathroom?"

He looked surprised, but convinced, and said "No, it's all yours. I'm off to the station." He kissed me on the cheek then, which was unusual for something as simple as a workday departure. Poor Charlie. It would take some time for him to recover from Harry's death. Thinking of Leah and Seth, I called out to Charlie as he was about to head down the stairs.

"What do you think about tacos tonight, Dad?"

"Sounds perfect, Bells." he said, and then he descended out of sight.

Whatever else was wrong with my life, I had Charlie. We didn't spent a lot of time together, but I realized just then that he was pretty comforting in his own way.


End file.
